As my youngest child prepares to leave for college, I’ve been thinking a lot about saying goodbye — about how we say goodbye and that no matter how much I’ve done it, it’s still so hard.
I remember when my son started preschool. He was 2-years-old, and there I was on tippy toes, trying to reach the window to make sure he was okay. Eventually my presence was so distracting the teachers actually asked me to leave.
My child was fine. I was not.
From my experience working with parents and kids, I know I’m not the only one who struggles with saying goodbye to them. Since it’s that time of year where kids go back to school, I thought it’s a good time to take a deeper dive into how we say goodbye.
The Function Behind the Behavior
Because I’m a third-wave cognitive behavioral therapist, I see behavior in terms of function. I always ask
- What functions do these behaviors serve?
- What is the person feeling before and after they engage in the behavior?
- What would happen if they didn’t engage in the behavior?
In this case, I’m asking, why is it so difficult for parents to say goodbye to their children? Let’s take a look.
Some reasons why include:
- Your child may be upset
- It may evoke upsetting memories of your own
- It may represent a new chapter for both of you
- It may remind you of a loss
- It may evoke fear and worry
How those behaviors may get expressed include:
- Not being able to regulate your own emotions
- Making it about you
- Shutting down,
- Being overprotective
- Being distant
- Seeking reassurance
- Staying too long “to make absolutely sure everything is ok”
- Rescuing them
It’s no wonder us parents find it difficult to say goodbye to our children!
Before I go on, I recognize there are nuances to every situation and every parenting decision. How to say good-bye is not a not black-and-white directive. I also want to stress that these behaviors need to be approached non-judgmentally.
We Are Wired to Avoid Pain and Discomfort
It’s part of our survival instinct. In this case, the discomfort may be sadness, worry, or anxiety. When these feelings are intense, it makes it seem like we need to do something NOW.
And we do these with the best of intentions.
We may think it’s in our child’s best interest. It would be irresponsible not to act! It’s our job, our identity to worry about their well-being 24/7!
Most of the time, I doubt it is.
When I realized my emotions were getting in my kids’ way, it was one of the hardest realities I had to swallow. From my decades working and knowing parents, I also know I’m not alone.
Ask any teacher, camp counselor, babysitter, and they will tell you how parents can get in the way. When I asked my kids, they were clear that I give “too much advice and can get too emotional.” As I said, we all have the best of intentions, and we can still get in the way of what’s best for our kids.
What’s something that may drive this behavior? Our own discomfort and distress. When our distress is high, we tend to react to our emotions and not to the situation.
When you or your child is upset, the emotions may run high. If both of you are upset, your feeling meter is likely to be on high alert. That’s when we’re more likely to get hijacked by either our distress or our kid’s distress — and we become convinced every “what if” situation we’ve been worrying about at 2am in anticipation of this day will actually happen.
What can we do instead? Good news! Like most behaviors, we can change. First, let’s first talk through what not to do.
What Not to Do When Saying Goodbye
Here are some common actions parents may take when it’s time to say goodbye. If you see yourself, don’t despair. We’ve all been there.
- Sneak away (that includes leaving and coming back)
- Stick around longer than necessary to make “really sure” they’re ok
- Lose your shit (e.g., cry more than your child, stay past your welcome, projecting anything other than appearing calm and confident)
- Not show ANY emotion whatsoever because, if you do, you could “lose it”
- minimize how they might be feeling with the blanket “Ah, you’ll be fine.”
- Seek excessive reassurance from your child that they’re okay, going to be okay, etc.
- Don’t make it a bigger deal than it is. Normalize leaving and coming back.
Now, let’s dive into what we can do instead.
To Make It Easier to Say Goodbye, Remember …
- Less is more in terms of talking and information sharing.
In my experience working with parents, and being one, I’ve found that parents give way too much information. Let your child know the plan, when you (or whoever is picking them up) will be there and maybe what you’ll do after, especially if it’s fun. They don’t need to know where you’re going, who you’ll be with, what you’ll be doing and so on. - This is an opportunity to model how to separate, be independent, and handle uncertainty.
Being able to leave our parents/caregivers/support people is such an important and fundamental life skill. It sets them up to be independent and autonomous. As a parent, these are skills we desperately need them to have.
In order to do this, we have to project calmness and confidence. It’s okay to be sad, especially if it’s college, but the message still can be “I believe in you. You got this.”
When my eldest went to college, the agreement was that I would hold my tears until I got back into the car. It was beyond difficult for me, but it’s what she needed. I can’t say it got easier with subsequent drop-offs or my other kids, but they’ve said it’s what they want and need to make the transition easier.
I’ve seen a lot of parents sobbing while they hold their kids, seeking reassurance that they’ll be okay. They tell them to call every day, stay out of trouble, go to class, etc. I get it. I’ve thought the same things, wanted to ask the same questions, but these questions are not for the child’s benefit. They’re to ease the parent’s distress.
- It’s okay for kids to feel distress and move through it.
I can’t stress this one enough.
Counter to what many of us have been taught, stress and distress are not the enemy. Many times parents are acting to mitigate their child’s distress. This unintentionally teaches everyone that feeling uncomfortable is the problem.
I remember the parents who stalked the preschool classroom long past goodbye because their child cried. They were worried their child was upset and couldn’t bear to leave. Eventually the preschool teachers asked the parents to leave because their presence was interfering with their child’s ability to adjust to the classroom. The parents thought they were acting in their child’s best interest, but sometimes what’s in the child’s best interest is learning how to cope with hard things and develop stress/distress tolerance. - Parents are like a mirror their kids look into to see who they are and how things are, especially when they’re young.
If we’re reflecting back that we aren’t handling things, that the situation is “dangerous,” and/or that there’s something to be worried about, our kids will internalize that. If you project calm, resilient and capable, your child will start to internalize that.
One way to be able to say goodbye more easily is to increase your own distress tolerance. It’s to empower yourself to break through your own barriers to get out of your own way. Get a step-by-step guide on how to do this in my book “Just Do Nothing.”
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