The holidays are upon us.
It used to be my least favorite time of the year. As an empty nester, however, I’ve found a new perspective. While I’m not exactly full of cheer, I do love that my kids will be home.
Still, the holidays stress a lot of us out for a lot of different reasons. Like I tell myself and my clients, it’s not about the situation, it’s about how we’re responding to the situation that’s probably making things worse. So let’s talk through how we can respond, so we’re not completely miserable.
The Holidays Can be Distress on Steroids
Most of us know what distress is.
It refers to difficult feelings like sadness, anxiety or sorrow. Most of us don’t like distress, but it’s an inevitable part of life, we can’t escape it. There’s actually a reasonable amount of data that shows that the more intolerant people are to distress (known as “distress intolerant”) and the more they try to avoid it, the more vulnerable they become to several psychological disorders, including eating, anxiety, substance use, depressive and obsessive compulsive disorder.
The flip side is referred to as distress tolerance which is “the ability to persist in goal- directed activities despite aversive internal states.” It’s the perception that you can handle uncomfortable emotions, so you can get through uncomfortable situations like the holidays, parenting, people with different political opinions, etc.
It’s that old saying, whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.
Typically, when we think of distress tolerance, it’s in relation to our own internal experience. It’s about what’s inside of us: I can’t cope with the way I’m feeling, and I need it to stop.
If we don’t think we can handle our own internal state, what happens when we’re in situations we perceive as stressful? Or with people we perceive as stressful (and/or who can’t regulate their own emotions)? If you’re struggling to regulate your own distress, how do you fare if/when your kids get distressed? How about your parents? Grandparents? Extended family?
This is why when we’re with our families (or other people), it may be harder for you to cope. And the holidays are generally all about bringing together a lot of people.
Increased Holiday Stress Is Common
We’re not the only ones who are more stressed and emotional this time of year. So are the
people in our orbits.
There’s so much around this time of year that can stress us out: the costs, the extra time, energy, and attention needed to get everything done, go to the parties, etc all while sleeping less, drinking more and generally taking worse care of yourself.
What could go wrong?
Our ability to regulate emotion decreases with any of the above factors.
You’re more stressed, and so is everyone around you. What happens to you — how do you respond — when you get stressed?
If you’re like my clients, you might describe it like this:
- Constantly walking on eggshells not to upset someone
- Feeling like I’m about to burst from holding my tongue
- Resorting back to my tantrumy 6-year-old self
- Preparing to go into battle (…to protect my kids from feeling judged)
- Feeling like I am over caffeinated and unable to come down
- Worrying how I’m going to keep myself together and not ruin it for my kids
- Wanting to put on a happy but my body isn’t cooperating
I’m not anti-family or suggesting you not spend time together, if that’s right for you. I do want us to get curious about how our own distress intolerance might be showing up in these situations, so we can prepare as much as possible. I’m a big believer that it’s easier to move through hard things if you can be on offense. In order to get there, you have to understand how you interact in those situations.
5 Ways to Get Through the Holidays
- Stick to your mental health non-negotiables.
When times are stressful, we need these more than ever. If you don’t know what yours are, it’s a good time to figure that out. - Before being with family, take some time to identify any potential triggers.
Have a clear idea of “When I’m with X, I feel Y and it comes out with _________.”For instance, “When I’m with Aunt Ruth, I always feel guilty for not keeping in better touch. I end up excessively apologizing, making excuses and over-explaining why I was so busy which makes me feel worse. The conversation gets so awkward that I just want to avoid her altogether which is terrible because I really love her.”
Now that you know your pattern with Aunt Ruth, and assuming you want to change it, make a game plan.
Expect the feelings, however you may feel, and focus on her. It’s not her responsibility to regulate your distress and absolve you of your guilt. Get curious about her life. Show interest regardless of what’s going on inside of you.
- Before being with family, or any social event, practice something like the dropping anchor practice. It’s an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy practice to help get you anchored in the present.
- Set boundaries, and remember the power of “and.”
I love my extended family, AND I’m always the first to leave. I know I do better with shorter amounts of time. I also know if I drink, I’m more vulnerable to saying something I may regret.Do I wish things were different, and I was better in these situations? Of course, but that’s not my reality. I keep working toward that, and in the meantime, I leave early to come home and watch Real Housewives.
- Practice saying no.
Whether it’s to the 14th party, the need for the perfect family picture, or staying up late to bake a homemade treat for school because you’re worried what the other parents would think, see if there are areas where you can cut back.Ask yourself if saying “yes” is being driven by an emotion or your values? Ideally, we’re saying yes because it’s important to us. When we make emotion-based decisions, the behavior becomes a (temporary) way to ease the distress. Over scheduling and over controlling behaviors are a way of (temporarily) managing the distress this time of year. The question becomes, at what cost?
The idea of training our distress tolerance muscle is one I talk about a lot because it’s crucial to how we make real and lasting changes in our lives. Whether we’re stuck in a holiday situation or stuck in our own heads, the process is mostly the same. Distress and discomfort are inevitable parts of life so we need ways to work through the hard. Simple but not always easy.
