Changing our behavior is not easy, no matter what you may read on Instagram. It’s just not.
I often hear from people who have tried to make changes and although they start out strong, somewhere along the way, they give up. It’s not working, and then we feel stuck. There are many reasons for this but a lot of the time, it’s because we tend to get in our own way..
Whether you want to start an exercise program, stop procrastinating, or react differently when your teenager tells you you’re wrong for the 15th time, wanting to change isn’t enough. Knowing how to change isn’t enough. Changing is hard, and it’s a process.
As we go through that process, there are ways to help make it easier, so you can get unstuck.
These 7 ways give you practical, logistical strategies (to deal with the stuff outside our heads) as well as ways to deal with the stuff in our heads (and bodies).
7 Ways to Help Make Change Stick
1. Be realistic about your goals.
Many of us have known that surge of determination. The desire to change is so strong that you’re convinced you can do [insert big life change]. We see that a lot around the New Year. Deciding to make a change on the Monday after a rough weekend or after any kind of binge is unrealistic goal setting.It’s about keeping it real, and keeping it small. Which brings us to #2.
2. Break your goals into smaller parts.
Everyone wants to achieve BIG. Big outcomes, sexy goals, those are the ones that feel exhilarating. And, yes, you can absolutely achieve them if you break them down into smaller steps. You wouldn’t wake up one day and expect yourself to run a marathon without any training, and this is no different.
Smaller goals — and wins along the way — help you maintain your momentum. These wins help you work through plateaus and continue to show up regardless of how you may feel.
3. Don’t wait for motivation to start acting.
When breaking your large goal into smaller ones, think about something you know you can do to just get you started. If you wait to feel a certain way, you may never start.
It’s key to remember that accomplishing challenging tasks is easier when you accept the discomfort rather than fight it. Taking our exercise example, those first five minutes of running will likely feel challenging. Your breathing is heavy, muscles are tight, and your body hurts. When we resist these sensations or fixate on how uncomfortable we feel, that discomfort tends to grow stronger, consuming more of our mental energy.
4. Think about how you’ll feel in the end.
Most of us know that the first five minutes will suck, but we also know it’ll get easier. We will feel so great when finished. Let’s put our attention on how good we’ll feel. It may not feel like it, but we are in control of where we put our attention, and where we put our attention is amplified. So choose intentionally.
5. Learn to see setbacks as opportunities.
Remember that part of the change process includes distress and discomfort — and setbacks. Dr. Carol Dweck’s research into growth mindset is really helpful. When people have a growth mindset, they see failure, mistakes and setbacks as parts of any process, not to mention rich opportunities for learning and growth. The opposite is having a fixed mindset, which views setbacks as failures. 6. What if you believed you could?
6. What if you believed you could?
I’d been working with my trainer for six years, struggling for many weeks with a specific weightlifting goal when he asked me, “What if you believed you could?” That simple question shifted something for me. Suddenly the lift felt achievable.
I’d been psyching myself out with self-doubt and fear for months! No amount of logic, technical know-how or pep talks made a difference. For me, saying, “I can do this; I know I can!” felt silly, inauthentic and Pollyanna-ish. On the other hand, I could commit to “I believe I can do this.”
Self-talk matters, no matter how obvious that may be. It’s important to keep in mind the words that work for you, but self-talk shapes mindset, and mindset is essential, as we just talked about in #4. It’s about the stories we tell ourselves. What is the story you want to be the loudest?
7. Practice self compassion.
Most people don’t realize that self-compassion is a skill. When we’re kinder to ourselves, we’re able to bounce back faster from setbacks, learn from our mistakes, and maintain momentum.
Torturing ourselves with criticism, judgement or any other negative personal attacks rarely leads to forward movement. What would it be like to treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend? Before you identify a reason why it won’t work, why not try it for a day or two and see how it impacts your overall attitude.
I know what you’re thinking. If you’re the classic overachiever, you want to do all seven of these at once. Resist that temptation. Rather than looking to transform everything at once, consider this process like learning to play an instrument. Practice one at a time, allowing each new skill to become natural before adding another.
Pay attention to your body’s signals because they offer valuable guidance. If you’re consistently feeling overwhelmed, experiencing racing thoughts, or finding it difficult to stay present, you may be out of your window of tolerance and need to adjust what you’re doing. Ideally, you want to be just outside your comfort zone so the task is challenging but not overwhelming AND you’re able to do it with a different mindset. Think of it like strength training: starting with manageable weights builds better form and stronger foundations than immediately reaching for the heaviest lift.
When you first start, be prepared to feel awkward. When have you ever tried something new and felt confident and competent out of the gate? Practice separating how you feel from what you’re doing and keep showing up. Eventually it’ll feel easier.
Change is possible if we’re realistic, patient, compassionate and thoughtful about how we approach it. As I’ve written before, I’m also a huge believer in logging your wins along the way. AIt all helps get us unstuck. If you’re contemplating a change, what’s one small step you can take today toward making that happen?
