I don’t know about you, but I do not like feeling uncomfortable. Who does? It’s our natural tendency to try and avoid discomfort, whether it’s anxiety, boredom, sadness, or uncertainty. It’s so uncomfortable that we then develop behaviors to avoid feeling these things.
We all have our go-to’s.
These new behaviors don’t look or feel like resistance, but they are. Stay with me. We’re resisting the reality that the feeling is there and you’re experiencing it. Instead of allowing the feeling, our attention turns to controlling it in some way. If you find yourself feeling mentally stuck, your solution may have become your problem.
What begins as a protective way to avoid distress slowly turns into a pattern that prevents us from moving forward, toward our goals or values.
The temporary relief we get from avoidance ultimately keeps us from developing resilience.
Through my professional and personal experiences, I’ve come up with 11 common mechanisms people use to avoid discomfort. By recognizing your own, you can begin to respond differently.
You can get unstuck.
Rather than trying to eliminate discomfort, we start to develop the capacity to move forward alongside it.
1. Avoiders and People-Pleasers
These are people who want to avoid, distract or leave early when confronted with distress or discomfort. Or, they’ll go but with lots of safety behaviors “just in case” or “to be safe.”
This resistance behavior can also show up through people-pleasing. When the heat is on, avoiders and people-pleasers avoid.
2. Crowdsourcers/Reassurance-Seekers
If you have trouble making decisions, question yourself, or always like to get second (through millionth) opinions “just to be sure,” you may be a crowdsourcer/reassurance-seeker.
3. Comfort Zoners
Comfort Zoners are stuck in their, well, comfort zone. There’s little or not enough discomfort to initiate change. People in this category avoid distress by staying stuck.
4. Numb-Outers
Do you shut down by self-medicating or otherwise numbing out? That could involve booze, shopping, substances, food, porn, exercise, not eating, sleeping, shopping, working, watching TV, or scrolling social media. If so, you may be a numb-outer.
5. Dumbo’s Feather Holders
Where are my mantra, weighted blanket, crystals, oils, supplement lovers?
I have nothing against any of these mechanisms, and I’ve dabbled in all of them myself when trying to get rid of a feeling. It’s when we make the false connection that these items are responsible for calming our anxiety or distress.
Just as Dumbo didn’t think he could fly without his feather, one could start believing she can’t go places or do things without her safe objects.
6. Procrastinators
Instead of feeling the distress or discomfort of getting started, it can be easier (in the short term) to organize your shit for the hundredth time or wait until you’re more inspired or your space is perfect. If your excuses are endless, you know what I’m talking about.
7. Compulsive Self-Helpers
At the first sign of discomfort or distress, do you turn to your favorite podcaster, influencer, writer, guru, or fitness instructor to try to get rid of the feeling (or “negativity”)?
While there’s nothing wrong with getting hyped up, if you don’t translate that momentum into actionable steps, you’re still left ill-equipped to handle life’s challenges.
8. Good Vibes Only/No Negativity Folks
All positivity, all the time.
I’m all for feeling good, but there’s an implicit belief that “feeling bad” should be controlled, managed, and “fixed” right away. When you start to struggle, you work harder to suppress your feelings — until they implode or explode.
9. Optimizers
I’m sure you know someone who tries to optimize every aspect of their life. Or maybe you do? It’s through this optimization that you try to avoid ever being uncomfortable or distressed.
10. Micromanagers (Controlling Behaviors)
I’m not talking about the kinds of controlling behaviors we see in abusive relationships. I’m talking about behaviors like micromanaging partners, kids, employees, and your own image to try and reduce any chance of something going wrong.
A metaphor I often use with my clients to describe this resistance behavior category is the realtor who tries to sell you a beautiful home but only lets people into one room.
11. Wishful Thinkers
If your reality is difficult, and you’re feeling a lot of pain, you may find it appealing to start daydreaming about a time when life was easier or an idealized situation you wish you were living.
If this happens once, it’s not a big deal, but it becomes a coping mechanism for a lot of people when faced with a challenge.
Why We Want to Build Distress Tolerance
Do you see yourself in any? Maybe a little of multiple? You’re not alone! It’s why I’m always teaching people about distress tolerance and how to increase it.
In the short term, these resisting behaviors work. In the longer term, however, they can become a problem.
To stop people pleasing, for example, you need to get better at feeling the discomfort when you don’t please people.
Because they provide momentary relief (the principle of negative reinforcement), we use them. The more you do something, the more reliant you may become on it, which comes with consequences.
Rather than resist our unpleasant feelings, we want to experience them.
You ride them out, allowing them to be there without trying to make them go away. Let them be. Doing so lets you practice responding to distress differently, building your tolerance of it. That’s when you start to change and move toward what you really want. That’s when you get mentally unstuck.
To read more, check out Just Do Nothing: A Paradoxical Guide to Getting Out of Your Way. Available at your favorite bookseller, including Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Bookshop.
