When I talk about change, I talk about the process of change. As part of that process, we come to a crystal-clear understanding of our “why.”
It’s not just a nice-to-have—it’s essential.
As I wrote in a previous article, your “why” is the main reason you want to make a change. It’s your compass that keeps you going through the difficult parts of the change process. Your why has to be stronger than the discomfort you’ll inevitably feel when pushing beyond your comfort zone.
But what exactly does “remember your why” mean in practice? It means having a deeply personal reason that resonates at your core, one that can hold you steady when your mind starts spinning stories about why you should quit or why you can’t handle the discomfort of change.
9 Powerful “Why” Examples
Your “why” needs to be authentic. This is key. It’s not what you think it should be or what sounds good but what genuinely matters to you. Try not to judge yourself out of the truth.
Here are nine examples to inspire your thinking:
1. “I want to be present with my kids.” This might motivate someone to reduce their phone use or set better boundaries at work.
2. “I want to demonstrate service to my kids.” This could drive someone to start contributing and connecting through mentorship or volunteering.
3. “I want the freedom to travel without physical limitations.” This might inspire someone to improve their physical fitness despite the discomfort of regular exercise.
4. “I want to be the kind of person who faces fears rather than avoiding them.” This could help someone gradually approach anxiety-provoking situations they’ve been avoiding.
5. “I want to be known as someone reliable who keeps their commitments.” This might help someone push through procrastination or the urge to cancel plans.
6. “I want to create financial security that breaks generational patterns.” This could help someone resist impulsive spending despite temporary discomfort.
7. “I want to know I did everything possible for my health.” This might help someone stick with difficult lifestyle changes despite not seeing immediate results.
8. “I want to experience genuine connection instead of superficial approval.” This could help someone practice vulnerability and authenticity in relationships.
9. “I want to prove to myself that I can follow through.” Sometimes the why is about rebuilding trust with yourself and boosting self-efficacy.
These examples connect to core values like family, integrity, freedom, growth, and security. Your most effective “why” will touch something that deeply matters to you, not what you think “should” matter.
How Your “Why” Strengthens Distress Tolerance
At some point in the change process, you’ll experience what we call a Choice Point. It’s that moment when you ask yourself, “Do I stay and move forward, or do I go back to where I was before?”
This is where distress tolerance comes in. Distress tolerance is your perceived capacity to withstand uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, or sensations without immediately trying to escape them. When your distress tolerance is low, you think you can’t handle these uncomfortable internal states, so you avoid them or try to eliminate them.
Your “why” can help you build distress tolerance. It gives you a reason to accept the discomfort rather than bail out. When you’re clear about what you’re moving toward and why it matters, you’re more willing to experience distress as part of the journey.
For example, if your “why” is not being held by fear, you’re going to accept that anxiety comes with new experiences and is not a sign something is wrong. If your “why” is building financial security, you might tolerate the anxiety of negotiating a higher salary instead of avoiding the conversation altogether.
The next time you feel stuck or tempted to fall back into old patterns, remember to ask yourself, “What am I moving toward? Why does this matter to me?” Your answer to these questions has the potential to help you choose actions that align with the person you want to be, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Finding and remembering your “why” isn’t a magic solution. Change is still hard work. But having clarity about what motivates you at a deep level can make all the difference between talking about change and actually making it happen.
