Someone asked me recently to define my professional goal. The first thought that popped into my head was to be FEARLESS! (cue Superman theme song)
But that’s not possible, really. I’m human, and fear is part of the human condition. As I tell my clients, my kids, and myself — it’s about being scared and doing it anyway. If we want to grow in life, we need to face our challenges, including worry and anxiety, and move through them.
Are you looking to make a change in your life? You’ll need this: courage.
I know, I know, “be brave” sounds like one of those platitudes I’m always rolling my eyes at. It’s still true. It’s not the ONLY thing you need, but you will need it.
Most people don’t understand that bravery isn’t about the absence of fear. It’s about building our capacity to feel fear and act anyway. That capacity is what we call distress tolerance, and it’s the missing ingredient in most people’s change process.
Why Change Requires Courage
Making any meaningful change requires stepping into uncertainty, and uncertainty triggers our brain’s alarm system. This is normal and expected. The problem isn’t that we feel scared when making changes—it’s that we’ve been conditioned to believe feeling scared means we should stop.
When was the last time your worry actually solved a problem or taught you something (other than how ineffective it is as a coping strategy)? Usually worrying just wastes time and makes me feel worse, while taking the steps to work through the issue makes me feel better.
There are lessons that can only be learned by doing. Think of something that got easier the more times you did it. I remember being on vacation and terrified the first time I galloped on a horse. The first day, I was physically tense, and my mind was filled with images of my broken spine as I got trampled by this beast. For some reason, however, I got back on the horse and by the fourth day, it had gotten easier, and I could relax and actually enjoy the experience.
What happened wasn’t magic. With each ride, my distress tolerance muscle got stronger. . Each time I chose to feel the fear and get on the horse anyway, I was teaching my brain that this situation wasn’t actually dangerous.
The Connection Between Courage and Distress Tolerance
Most people think courage is a personality trait you either have or don’t. But courage is a skill you can develop, and it’s connected to your distress tolerance—your ability to withstand uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and sensations without immediately trying to escape them.
When you’re making changes, your brain will present you with all sorts of uncomfortable internal experiences: anxiety about the unknown, doubt about your capabilities, fear of failure, or even fear of success. People with low distress tolerance may interpret this internal discomfort as signs they should stop or that something is wrong. People with higher distress tolerance recognize these feelings as part of the process and continue moving forward anyway.
You’ll learn more about yourself by (you guessed it) doing. By stepping into the unknown — and out of your comfort zone — you may see that you can be more courageous than you imagined. You may be stronger, tougher, and able to handle more than you thought. Seeing that I could handle more on a horse than I thought gave me the confidence to try more things I might not have tried. Galloping on that horse was a needle mover for me–I was so used to giving into my fear that doing something in spite of it was a real shift. I’ve recalled this experience many times when my brain jumps to a catastrophic worst-case scenario to remind myself that I can handle more than I think. While the worst may happen, it’s likely not.
Finding Your Growth Edge
I mentioned comfort zone. That’s where we feel safe. On the other end, you’ll find the terror zone, which is where you can shut down if it’s too much. Right in the middle is the learning zone, or as some call it, your growth edge. We learn best when we’re out of our comfort zone with a mild or moderate amount of brain activation.
This is crucial for making changes because if you push too hard too fast, you’ll flood your system with stress hormones and actually make it harder to learn new behaviors. But if you stay too comfortable, nothing changes. The sweet spot is that place where you feel challenged but not overwhelmed—where you can practice being brave in manageable doses.
Think of building distress tolerance like strength training. You don’t start by trying to deadlift 300 pounds on your first day at the gym. You start with a weight that’s challenging but doable, and gradually increase the load as you get stronger. The same principle applies to emotional and psychological challenges.
Practical Steps for Building Courage
Start by identifying small areas where you can practice tolerating discomfort. Maybe it’s having a difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding, trying something new that makes you nervous, or simply sitting with anxiety without immediately trying to fix it.
The key is to approach these situations with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of thinking “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try “This is what discomfort feels like, and I can handle it.”
Each time you choose to feel the feeling and act anyway, you’re building evidence that you’re more capable than you think.
Remember, courage isn’t about not feeling afraid. It’s about feeling afraid and choosing to act in alignment with what matters to you anyway. The more you practice this, the more you’ll realize that feelings, even uncomfortable ones, are just information. They don’t have to control your choices.
Making meaningful changes in your life requires this kind of practiced courage. Whatever change you’re considering—whether it’s career, relationships, health, or personal growth—you’ll need the ability to feel uncomfortable and keep moving forward. That’s not a character flaw or a problem to solve. It’s simply part of being human and choosing growth over comfort.
The good news is that courage, like any skill, improves with practice.
Start small, be patient with yourself, and remember that every time you act despite feeling scared, you’re building the muscle you’ll need for whatever comes next.
