I’ve sat with many people who were ready to make a change but couldn’t figure out why they kept getting stuck.
Smart, capable, motivated people who read all the books, listened to all the podcasts, and still found themselves spinning their wheels. The pattern was always the same: they’d get inspired, make some progress, and then hit an invisible wall.
What I’ve learned after years of watching people struggle and succeed with change is that one of the missing ingredients isn’t motivation, willpower, or the right strategy. It’s something most self-help content completely ignores—distress tolerance.
The Real Reason Change Feels So Hard
When you say “I need change,” you’re usually looking to change a behavior. We don’t talk about it often, but changing can be a genuinely uncomfortable activity, even when we want it.
Our brains are designed to detect risk, avoid pain, and keep us alive. When we try something new—whether it’s speaking up at work, starting a difficult conversation, or showing up differently in relationships—our brain treats it like a threat. The alarm bells go off, and suddenly that inspired feeling from last week melts into a puddle of dread.
Most people approach transformation like a light switch. They expect to flip it on and suddenly be different. But lasting change requires patience, practice, resilience, and accepting that you’ll feel uncomfortable.
Wanting to change isn’t enough.
Knowing how to make a change isn’t enough either.
There are countless reasons change is difficult, not least of which is that it takes significant energy for your brain to do something differently. Your brain prefers the familiar because it’s metabolically efficient, which means you’ll need structure, repetition, and patience to create new patterns.
What Most People Get Wrong About How to Make a Change
If you’ve spent any time scrolling through self-help content, you’ve probably seen countless promises about how to completely change your life in 30 days, 7 steps, or one magic moment. I’ve made my disdain for oversimplified solutions pretty clear—especially in my book Just Do Nothing—so I’ll say it again: there are no shortcuts to genuine transformation.
Most people let how they feel determine what they do. They avoid opportunities because they might feel anxious, postpone difficult conversations because they might feel awkward, or abandon goals because the process feels overwhelming.
This emotional reasoning keeps you trapped in familiar patterns.
You’re inspired. You plan and anticipate, and when you think about actually doing “the thing,” you get that familiar feeling of dread—the swirling in your stomach or the buzzing in your head.
Sound familiar?
The more you try to avoid the discomfort by figuring it out, procrastinating, the more anxious you become and the deeper the hole you dig. It’s exhausting and completely ineffective.
The Skill Nobody Taught You (But Desperately Need)
The one skill most people are missing when they think “I need a change” is distress tolerance.
Distress tolerance is your ability—real or perceived—to withstand negative internal states without immediately trying to avoid or escape them.
When we work to increase our distress tolerance, we’re able to continue moving toward our goal, even when we don’t feel like it.
Think of it like a muscle that strengthens with practice.
Every time you choose to move toward your goals despite feeling anxious, uncertain, or uncomfortable, you’re effectively raising your threshold for distress and discomfort. This is essential if you want to change your life because transformation requires consistently choosing growth over comfort.
Most of us did not grow up learning how to feel our feelings. If you grew up learning that feeling uncomfortable or unpleasant feelings is scary, shameful, painful, or in some other way not supported and encouraged, you’ll likely now find some way to make the distress stop. The solution becomes the problem.
The Just Do Nothing™ Approach
This is where my approach differs from most self-help advice. When I say Just Do Nothing, I’m not suggesting inaction. I’m suggesting a process of action where we learn to do nothing with the thoughts and feelings that typically thwart your efforts at behaving or reacting differently.
The key to being able to move through unpleasant feelings so they no longer stop you from doing the things you want to do, is to consciously experience them. You ride them out, like a wave, allowing them to be there without trying to make them go away. You let them be. You stop doing something based on how you feel and start allowing how you feel.
Rather than letting the distress prevent you from doing hard things, you practice allowing the distress to be there as you do those things.
The brain learns what we show it by our actions. If we consistently show it that we can experience uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, over time the brain becomes less sensitized to the trigger. We show the brain over and over by our actions that the situation is not a true threat.
I remember being on vacation and terrified the first time I galloped on a horse. The first day, I was physically tense, and my mind was filled with images of my broken spine as I got trampled by this beast. For some reason, I got back on the horse and by the fourth day, it had gotten easier, and I could relax and actually enjoy the experience. What happened wasn’t magic. Without realizing it, my distress tolerance muscle got stronger with each ride and my perception of what I could handle also grew. With each experience, we build confidence and resilience.
Finding Your Why (The Real One)
Your “why” is the compass that keeps you moving toward transformation when everything in you wants to retreat to what’s familiar. Not all motivations are created equal.
If you want to figure out how to make a change in your life that actually sticks, your why needs to be authentic, specific, and emotionally resonant enough to sustain you through difficult moments.
Vague aspirations like “I want to feel better about myself” or “I want to be happier” might sound nice, but they won’t hold up when you’re facing the real discomfort that comes with genuine change. Your why needs to connect to something deeper—your core values, the person you want to become, or the impact you want to have.
The most effective motivations I see in my practice are specific and personal. Instead of “I want to be less anxious,” try “I want to model emotion regulation for my children.” Instead of “I want to be more successful,” consider “I want to build something meaningful that reflects my values.” These whys paint a clear picture of who you’re becoming, not just what you’re trying to escape.
Your reason to change has to be stronger than your reason to stay the same.
People don’t make changes unless the discomfort of staying stuck outweighs the discomfort of transformation.
Finding Your Growth Zone
We learn best when we’re out of our comfort zone with a mild or moderate amount of brain activation. If you push too hard too fast, you’ll flood your system with stress hormones and actually make it harder to learn new behaviors. But if you stay too comfortable, nothing changes. The sweet spot is that place where you feel challenged but not overwhelmed—where you can practice being brave in manageable doses.
Think of building distress tolerance like strength training.
You don’t start by trying to deadlift 300 pounds on your first day at the gym. You start with a weight that’s challenging but doable, and gradually increase the load as you get stronger. The same principle applies to emotional and psychological challenges.
Start small and build gradually.
Notice when you’re avoiding something because of how you might feel, then practice staying present with that discomfort while taking action anyway. This isn’t about eliminating uncomfortable feelings—it’s about changing your relationship with them so they no longer control your choices.
When You Say “I Need a Change,” Here’s What to Do
The next time you feel stuck or tempted to fall back into old patterns, ask yourself: “What am I moving toward? Why does this matter to me?” Your answer to these questions has the potential to help you choose actions that align with the person you want to be, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Every time you feel anxious, look at it as an opportunity to practice moving through a feeling while you’re living life. Simply acknowledge, “Oh, right now, I’m feeling anxious. This is uncomfortable, and I’m going to continue on with my day.”
Remember, the goal isn’t to become someone who never feels uncomfortable, that’s unrealistic. The goal is to become someone who can feel uncomfortable and keep moving toward what matters. This is a lifelong practice, not a problem to be solved once and forgotten.
If you want to completely change your life, embrace the process rather than searching for shortcuts. Real transformation happens gradually, through consistent practice and patience with yourself as you learn new ways of being in the world. The good news is that distress tolerance, like any skill, improves with practice.
Start small. Be patient with yourself. And remember that every time you act despite feeling scared, you’re building the muscle you’ll need for whatever comes next.
Want to learn more about building your distress tolerance and doing distress differently? Check out my bookJust Do Nothing for the complete process.
